Hippies and Avoidance.

I have a confession to make: I’ve been avoiding hippies.

Honestly, I don’t know exactly what I’m hoping to gain from this distance. My heart still feels more rested when I find myself near a group of them. This calm washes over me, this knowledge that all is right in the world.

Because, you see, it’s not like I don’t know where to find them.

They’re in the community garden a block away from my house. They’ve been giving workshops all summer.

They’re standing around after choir threading their dreads through their fingers while their honey voices, made smooth from hours of singing, dance back and forth amongst each other.

I’ve seen them. I’ve felt our vibrating hearts oscillating at the same rhythm. And yet I’ve stayed away.

I do know I’ve been focusing on other things.

Years ago I went to a Buddhist conference near Toronto with my mother. The group from Calgary I had grown up with was there, and so were all these amazing new people from all over the country.

At every meal I would sit with a new group, meeting new people and having new, if not sometimes stilted, conversations.

I felt like the Calgary group I knew there was my anchor to this room full of strangers. I knew they were there, that I could rely on them, but I was out gathering reconnaissance.

I guess that’s what I’m doing now.

I know myself, especially the hippy parts of me. I know I’m most comfortable at a dance where a group has set an intention beforehand (and naturally we can’t speak once the music starts). I know sitting in a circle talking about my feelings isn’t only second nature but necessary for me. Or that I can sit still in meditation for hours at a time. I know who the Rothschild’s are, what a Vesica Piscis is, what’s in chem trails, and what it means to be Pleiadian.

What I don’t know?

How to get the motivation to clean my house, go grocery shopping and plan regular meals. I don’t quite know how to earn enough money to pay all of my bills.

And I don’t know how to see myself as I really am on the physical plane.

Luminous soul body aside, I need to know how to channel myself through this meat suit. I need to know how to bring forward the meaning I know is in this life.

For now that has meant avoiding hippies. I think I’m ready to go back, though.

I was listening to this CD I somehow acquired that had “San Francisco” on it. I actually listened to the next line: “If you’re going to San Francisco you’re gonna meet some gentle people there.”

I was struck for a moment with that word “gentle” because I know that’s what I am, yet I’ve been covering it up lately. I haven’t been letting my heart do it’s regular gentle, kind and giving thing because it’s been a little battered.

A moment came recently where I saw it come through and I’ve got to admit I was relieved. My gentle, hippy heart is still beating strong within me, it’s just been sitting in the back seat while the rest of me has been driving.

Getting back in touch with my own gentleness will draw me to the gentleness of others.

I’m ready to meet some more hippies.

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Photo: Cristian Enciso

Om om.

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On Fires and Being Lost

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Since the fire I’ve been feeling a little lost. No, that’s not completely accurate, because I was feeling a little lost before June 5th when flames and smoke crept up over the roof of the Temple of Divine Light at the Yasodhara Ashram.

The subsequent demolition of the temple has been difficult for me to come to terms with. Seeing pictures of the damaging attempts at saving the building were horrific enough. Blackened sections of the roof. Doors flung wide open dissolving the boundary between inside a sacred space and outside.

Now there’s simply nothing there. A flat foundation. A structure reduced back to its original, unseen form.

I feel homeless. I feel like a leaf blowing in the wind. I feel lost.

I know these things are my own. They are not solely the result of a large flat space that used to house a physical structure. But I also know they’re related.

I’ve been checking in with what I’m learning in my “living alone experiment 2.0.” The findings have been pretty substantial.

I’m the one responsible for my day, for the activities that fill it, for how often I clean the bathroom or do the dishes. I’m experiencing a great level of empowerment.

There’s also a bit of lostness. What does it mean to create a lifestyle, to find communities to be a part of, to give to and take from society? What if I don’t want to leave the house on a rainy Sunday? If I just can’t pull myself out the door? 

It means sometimes I’m going to feel a little lost. But now, I can’t simply shove it onto someone else, or distract myself with a partner in order to fill that hole inside of me.

I am incredibly blessed to have a strong foundation based on the work that I’ve done through the tools offered from my spiritual home. Kind of like the foundation that made it through the fire and deconstruction. The transitions I’ve been through in the past seven months have kind of felt like a fire, and up until the beginning of June, I’d always had a strong connection to a physical place that makes me feel whole despite whatever flames rage around me.

Now that space is gone. The over a thousand hours I spent there and life-changing and meaningful memories I’ve had there are left to be exactly that: memories. A hole is left and it makes me feel lost. A place of deep peace and rest has been disturbed. The wind came come now and blow out the candle.

My challenge, then, is to go even deeper. To focus on the place where wind can’t blow and fire can’t bring down. To place the seed of sacred space previously held in the eight-doored temple in the places I choose to worship at any moment.

I know I can never be lost from that place. I know that it is part of me and follows me wherever I am.

I also know in that flat empty space will be created something new, that this opportunity to re-create is exciting and empowering. So I’ll do exactly that; I’ll take this lostness and open my arms wide to it, honouring it with space.

And in that space I will create anew. 

Om Namah Sivaya

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